The Art of Breathing.

What is your reaction when your mother asks you something outrageous? Do you find out that you need to do something, like let's say, learn how to breathe? 

That was me. 

So near the end of the year in 2011 my cousin from Germany was coming to stay with us... so we drove off into the foggy sunrise  one morning to pick her up at the airport 2 hours away. After driving about an hour we reached a small town to get some gas.

As my dad stepped out of the car to fill up, my mother pulled down her visor and began to apply some Lancome Lip Gloss. After turning her head this way and that to see how the light hit the sparkling pink of her lips, she smacked them together and then turned around to face me in her seat.

My senses immediately went on high alert. I LOVE my mother, don't get me wrong, but she has a very unique skill to say some of the most outrageous things one has ever heard. 

I had been pretty tired up until then and as soon as she got 'that look' on her face the sleepy fog clouding my brain immediately cleared up. I repeated a mantra in my head of ' Be prepared' and 'What is she going to say?!' Then out of her mouth comes this: 
"Do you like my lip gloss? Are you jealous?" 

I frowned in response and let my guard down... that was not at ALL what I had been expecting her to say... and I don't even know what I had been expecting either. 

"Oh yeah mom, it's awesome. Love it, so jealous." Was the nonchalant reply.

But I noticed her following smirk too late.

" Jessica... would you kiss these lips?" She gave me a mock-sultry look thrown over her shoulder and my eyes widened in shock. 

Had she REALLY just asked me that?! It only took one second to realize that she not only had, but was now awaiting a response. 

So I panicked and scrambled to search my brain for something that was both a really good retort and not offensive at the same time. 

For example, pretending to gag wouldn't be very nice.

So I did the only thing any respectable twenty year old would do. I opened my mouth and prayed that whatever came out of my mouth would not only be witty, but nice as well.
I had no such luck. 
With her expectant look and all of this happening within seconds. 

I opened my mouth, breathed... and began to choke on nothing but air. 
My mom momentarily looked flabberghasted as both my little sisters began to howl with laughter in their seats behind me. 

But what they didn't realize right away, was that I was actually chocking on my own spit and couldn't breathe! 

She looked at my dad who was just paying for the gas and then back at me as I finally stopped gagging and was now dramatically gasping wildly for air. Laughing and trying to breathe at the same time certainly didn't help! 

With my sisters still in hysterics and my mom trying not to laugh herself, she gave me a pointed look.

" The CORRECT response, Jessica, would have been: If you were a boy you'd kiss those lips." Now openly laughing at the irony of the entire situation, I managed in between giggles, "You wouldn't have asked me that if I was a boy!" 

After another full two minutes of dying down giggles my dad finally re-entered the car that had become now dead silent. 

His spider senses tingled as he quirked an eyebrow and turned to look at the four of us and demanded to know what happened.

 My little sisters both immediately launched into the tale at the same time, whilst trying to re-enact the whole thing making the laughter start right back up! 

Upon hearing the story, my dad gave me a humorous look and I tried to explain that it was simply all irony and complete chance that I had started choking on nothing... at that exact moment.

And that, dear friends, is the only time that it is EVER appropriate to choke and gag on nothing in response to a question someone asks you... and even then it cannot be guaranteed where and when the random choking-on-nothing will ever strike next. My only advice...
Learn how to breathe. 
Seriously... put it on your checklist of things to do!